March, 2004

Presiding Judge

Superior Court of California

Your Honor:

I am writing in reference to my outstanding balance from my case in the amount of $600.00. Before you judge me too harshly please permit me to explain why I have not paid the amount in full to date.  After my sentencing in April of 2001, I was determined to make the payments required by the courts. However, on May 23, 2001 I was laid off by my employer and forced to apply for unemployment benefits. This was not enough to pay my rent, or any of the other bills I was expected to meet.  I earnestly sought employment all the while being honest with prospective employers concerning my record. Needless to say, my search was fruitless. I literally sent out more than 100 résumés and filled out more than 75 applications.  All the while I was watching my savings being depleted paying living expenses and attempting to make ends meet.

Finally, at the end of July, I contacted a friend in Texas seeking help. She suggested I leave California and seek employment there since the economic outlook was better.  On August 1, 2001 , I relocated and took up residence in  XXXXX (where I currently reside).  To say this was a mistake is an understatement. With the FORMER sex offender registration requirements of California being a life sentence (for a misdemeanor) and my information now available on the internet for everyone with a computer and internet access to see regardless of location, I have been unable to find employment at all. On top of that, I receive no benefits and my sole source of income at this point is $210.00 per month in disability payments from the Veteran’s Administration.

I have since remarried and my wife’s income (with my VA disability) is not enough to make ends meet. We live on payday loans from her paycheck which goes from paycheck to paycheck. In other words, we are robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Although I feel I have paid for my 10 seconds of infamy more than any man should, apparently the legal and political systems do not feel it is enough. I have often contemplated suicide to put an end to the suffering. The only thing that prevents me from doing so is my fear of hell. However, it is only a matter of time before I reach a mental state wherein I realize that hell can never be worse than what the American justice system is forcing me to endure.

Murderers who are not serving life sentences have a light at the end of the tunnel. Thieves and carjackers have a light at the end of the tunnel. Muggers and burglars have a light at the end of their tunnel. The way the California penal code is constructed, there is no light at the end of my tunnel. It matters not what I do or how well I can prove I have been rehabilitated. I have no light or hope. I serve a life sentence that will not go away. At 49, I do not foresee a time when I will be able to find worthwhile employment.  I owe the IRS more than $5,000. I owe CPS $3,000 and I owe the courts of California $600.  There is nothing left. There is no hope and no mercy. The only thing there is that I can count on is justice, but for whom? I feel that justice is no longer the issue with my case. It has become the vengeance of the courts to ensure that I continue to pay until there is nothing left of me to take.

I would like to make payments to pay off the debt, if that can be arranged. Where I can get the money, I truly have no idea. However, I will find it and promise to make whatever payments are necessary to satisfy the court’s need for their money. I was hoping to find employment after I come off probation with a trucking company. Although they require five years pass from the time of my conviction since it’s a sex related crime, I am hoping with letters from my church and TAX (a faith-based ministry – The Association of X-Offenders) that they will make an exception in my case and give me a chance. To date, no one else has. However, if I am not off probation I do not think they will even entertain my application since they consider probation to be a case pending before the courts and will not hire anyone with a case pending. There are no exceptions when it comes to that.

It seems like every time a door opens and my hopes rise that someone comes and slams the door shut. I again go into deep depression and the light that barely sparks anymore is once again in danger of being snuffed out. Please, Your Honor, if it is at all possible find it in your heart to see that I have worked very hard at reforming my life. I have not even received so much as a parking ticket since I appeared in court almost three years ago. I only want to put my past behind me and begin anew so I can be a productive and upright citizen. The system will never permit me to put my past behind me, I know that will never happen. Not with California Penal Code 290. Nevertheless, I would still like the chance to turn my life around to the extent that I am able. Is that so wrong to dream of that chance? To wish for it and yearn for it? If it is not, then why is it impossible to see any hope of that ever happening?

Whatever the decision is, I am hoping that it will be one that will permit me to remain free to continue seeking employment. Otherwise, there will never be any hope of being a responsible, productive member of society and a provider for my wife and my stepdaughter.  I await your decision with prayer and dread.

With all respect,

- M